2012Winter

“Despite a two week layoff, The Golden Retrievers came out strong Monday Night against Neth & Sons by posting a 7-4 victory. The win was TGR's third straight, and sixteenth on the season. TGR jumped out to an early 4-1 lead, but Neth & Sons quickly fought back, narrowing the margin to just one goal midway through the third. Just when it seemed destined that Neth & Sons would seize the lead, they made the unfortunate mistake of crossing paths with Goaltender Brent The Cat Seymour, and consequently, TGR forward Dan Kelly. When The Cat was hit while making a play on the puck behind his net, Kelly stepped up to his defense with what some members of the media are calling, "the best fight they've ever seen between Dan Kelly and an opposing team's player." As you can surely imagine, TGR players were nothing short of inspired, and went on to score the next two goals to solidify the victory. Goaltender Seymour was probably the most impressed with Kelly's fight, "I thought his display of pugnacity, testosterone, truculence, and belligerence really showed everyone what The Golden Retrievers are all about." However, the usual TGR enforcer, Mike Hymes, was luke warm on the subject, stating "I felt like his levels of pugnacity, testosterone, and truculence were real good, hut his belligerence level could have been a bit higher.”

“Encore is 0-2 against The Golden Mother Fucking Retrievers. Wooooooooooooo!" - Mike Hymes # 14”

“Defenseman Rich Fedele on the glory of being a Golden Retriever, "Glory is like a circle in the water, which never ceaseth to enlarge itself, till by broad spreading it disperses to naught." Defenseman Fedele has made a full recovery from the concussion he sustained earlier in the season.”

“With only 6 skaters TGR fell to Top Shop on Saturday night by a score of 8-4. The loss provided conclusive evidence to support Aristotle's theory of motion, which states that objects in motion stop when they get tired.”

“What a piece of work is a Golden Retriever. How noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, in form and moving how express and admirable. In action how like an Angel, in apprehension how like a god" - Brett Koeppel # 18”

“The Golden Retrievers won in dramatic fashion on Friday Night, taking down arch-nemesis Catholic Health by a score of 8-7. The Retrievers toyed with Catholic Health in the third, letting them come back from a late two goal deficit only to put them out of their misery with less than a minute to go. Forward Vinny Terrana had another outstanding performance, recording 5 points in the win, while forwards Justin Wheeler and Bryan Karchensky each had three points. Scumbag Josh, Catholic Health's # 24, was once again ejected from the game. TGR Enforcer, Mike Hymes, told reporters after the game, "Next time we play Catholic Health, I will lure Scumbag Josh into calmness with offerings of sportsmanship and clean play, like the spider to the fly... then I will fuck him up." "He's the hero TGR deserves, but maybe not the one it needs right now" - Defenseman Brett Koeppel on Forward Vinny Terrana's recent point streak”

“The Thanksgiving break proved to be fruitful for The Golden Retrievers, who came out strong against division leading M&M Forwarding with a decisive 11-6 win. Forward Justin Wheeler scored a hat trick in the game, and every Retriever got into the score-sheet for at least a point. Wheeler also managed to assist his own goal in the third, a feat matched only by retired Retriever Tim Hull . "The win tonight was a solid team effort. It was a good warmup for the match against Catholic Health on Friday. Did I tell you that I fucking hate Catholic Health?" said defenseman Rich Fedele after the game. Rich, tell us how you really feel.”

“Fuck Catholic Health.”

“TGR's win streak hit 6 with a 7-4 victory over The Iceholes.”

“The win streak was extended to five on Wednesday night with a 15-5 blowout victory over Brinks. Forward Vinny Terrana had a record breaking night with 9 points in the game (5g, 4a), and just one game after scoring a PP goal, defenseman Mike Hymes notched 3 assists of his own. Cleared to play by team doctors, defenseman Rich Fedele was also stellar, scoring his first career slap-shot goal late in the third. But in a highlight laden game, one play stood out over the rest. Late in the first period, forward Greg Suffoletto beat an unsuspecting Brinks defenseman with a 360 spin-o-rama then walked in and deked the goalie, putting the Retrievers into a comfortable 6-0 lead. "I'd like to talk a bit about that deke I pulled back there, but more importantly, I'd like to voice my support in the coming election for... actually, who am I kidding. Did you see that deke? Fucking sick. Suffoletto for Pres," Suffoletto said after the game. "Crabcakes and Retriever Hockey, thats what Suffoletto's do," he added.”

“TGR took out last year's champions Catholic Health on Friday night to win their fourth straight game. TGR has scored an amazing 36 goals over the win streak. There was plenty of speculation after TGR's 0-3 start that GM Karchensky would shake up the roster, but the win streak comes as no surprise to the GM, "I had talks with a couple of the other GM's, but nothing serious. With the addition of Christy and a deeper game-to-game lineup, this team has really turned it around. TGR is looking as strong as it ever has." Forward Justin Wheeler echoed that sentiment, "The Golden Retrievers are good. Scary Good." The business side of TGR operations have also seen recent success."With the NHL season in jeopardy, TGR take over as Buffalo's premier hockey club. We expect ticket and merchandise sales to increase as long as the NHL lockout continues," said TGR director of barketing, John Sikorski.”

“TGR won their third straight game on Saturday Night by overcoming a 3-1 deficit to take down Top Shop 4-3. TGR forward Anthony Christy scored on an end-to-end rush to tie the game up late in the second, and forward AJ Tomeny put away a beautiful feed from Vinny Terrana in the third for the GWG. The win was not without controversy, however. A questionable no goal call late in the third outraged Top Shop, but according to The Cat , the ref's made the right call, "Fuck Top Shop. They ain't got shit on The Cat." Defenseman Rich Fedele attempted to replicate Christy's end to end rush in the third period, only to be foiled by a heavy hitting defenseman from Top Shop. "I puck and shoot, but got hit. Took a tumble, like the laundry. I need to play for zamboni... Mean girls is a quality movie" said Fedele after the game. TGR is still awaiting the results of Fedele's concussion tests, which were taken Sunday afternoon.”

“TGR put up 13 goals on Monday Night, which according to the Elias Sports Bureau, is the highest goal total in Monday Night games played at Buff State between Custom Edge and The Golden Retrievers of the EMHL when both teams dressed at least 9 skaters and a goalie. It was a record breaking night for TGR, who for the second straight week dressed a franchise high number of players. Even more amazing, every single Retriever got onto the score sheet. "I knew, from talking to Schmitty and Wheeler that TGR was good, but this good? I was truly amazed," recently acquired forward Anthony Christy said after the game. Christy chipped into the offense in no small way himself, with a goal and assist in his debut. Forward Vinny Terrana put home his first hat trick of the season in the win, which brought him to six goals in just three games. "I do it well, very well." - Vinny Terrana”

“Playing with their deepest bench in franchise history, TGR picked up a decisive 9-5 win over CLUB Panthers on Tuesday Night. TGR scored early and often, jumping to a 6-0 lead before allowing an answering goal from CLUB Panthers. "The game was never in doubt. I figured I'd let the CLUB Panthers get a couple of goals in there towards the end, you know, us Cat's gotta stick together," Goaltender Seymour said after the game. Forward Jay Kaplewicz plotted a couple of goals, and off season acquisition Greg Suffoletto chipped in with 3 points in the win. "CLUB Panthers? I really don't like being told what to do," said Suffoletto. Suffoletto also commented on how proud he was to don the Beautiful Golden Jersey, "I'm never taking this off, ever." Reacquired forward AJ Tomeny was also playing in his first game of the season, and did not disappoint, posting a couple of assists and nearly capitalizing on a few scoring opportunities.”

“The month and a half long lockout finally ended on Sunday Night, with owners and players deciding on a 100 / 0 % split of the league revenue. TGR jumped ahead early but could not maintain the lead. Cup hangover, a short bench , and a poor off season training program led TGR to fall apart mid way through the second period. "The legs were tired tonight. It felt like we were skating in circles, just chasing our tails all night," defenseman Dan Schmitt said after the game. "But it's a long season, and our roster is pretty deep, so I think we'll turn it around quickly." Separately, GM Karchensky is in contract talks with Stanley C. Panther, the recently laid off mascot of the NHL's Florida Panthers, to help rebuild fan relations after the lengthy labor dispute.”

“The Golden Retrievers picked up their 18th win of the season on Monday Night, downing Neth & Sons by a score of 11-5. The win sets ups TGR for a final game showdown with arch nemesis Catholic Health for the number one overall seed entering the playoffs. Despite playing injured, star forward Justin Wheeler managed to put up a bevy of points in the win. After the game, Wheeler commented on playing through his injury, "Pain... has a structure. It has a floor plan. It has designs more intricate than a chambered nautilus, features more baroque than the most buttressed Gothic cathedral... it is a poem." Only forward Vinny Terrana seemed to have any idea what he was talking about. The two had a strong connection on the ice, assisting on each others goals all game long. Terrana had high praise for Wheeler after the game, "Every game fraught with discord and danger seems to spawn a player meant only for that game, an offensive giant whose absence, in retrospect, seems inconceivable when the history of that game is written." High praise, indeed. TGR's final game showdown vs. Catholic Health is scheduled for Friday, March 15th @ 8:50 pm.”

“Playing in front of a sold out crowd on Saturday Night, TGR crushed Papa Jake's Iceholes in Game One of the EMHL Championship Series by a score of 11-1. TGR had a record high 7 different goal scorers, while Goaltender Seymour continued his stellar playoff performance with 33 saves in the win.”